Life After Death: Give My Regards To Satan

When I was a little boy, everyone around me used to say that bad people go to hell. It left me with a strong impression that I must count all the terrible things I did during the day and pray for forgiveness before I go to sleep at night. Another requirement was to occasionally confess all my sins to a priest so that absolution can be granted to my poor and unenlightened little soul. It was dreadful.

As the years went by, I began to slowly realize that I wasn’t earning any points to go to heaven. Everything I did seem to work totally against me. I was learning foul language, studying the private parts of other kids as well as my own (pretty exciting), disobeying my parents, and so on. Needless to say, I was becoming a bad boy.

It didn’t take long before I noticed the peculiarity. “Jesus Christ, this is ridiculous...” I uttered in frustration as I glanced at my imaginary list of bad deeds, which regrettably surpassed the length of Rapunzel’s hair. It may not mean anything to someone else, but to me it was an epiphany.

After that, I started to wonder if consciousness can really survive after the death of the body and if there’s a possibility for us to know the states of consciousness that belong to the afterlife without dying. Hence, I explored, and with the same amount of excitement I had for private parts, I found seven categories as to how various religions perceive life after death.


1. Heaven or Eternal Paradise



Your soul finds itself in a perfected world surrounding God. You go to Paradise as a reward and never leave. If you are bad, you go to Satan’s bachelor pad where he slaps you from behind each day and night while whispering to your ear, “You like that, huh?”


2. The Godhead



God exists in three persons. The three persons of the Godhead possess identical attributes. They are one in substance and one in essence, and therefore, they are one God. Your soul returns to God, but not in any particular place. You discover the location of God as a timeless state infused with his presence. Amen? Amen!


3. The Spirit World




Your soul rests in a realm of departed spirits. You are drawn back to those you loved in this life or, if not, you rejoin your ancestors who are gathered with the great spirit. You see dead people, walking around like regular people. Then there’s Bruce Willis. Oh, sorry! He’s still alive, right?


4. Transcendence




Your soul either quickly or gradually dissolves and all your beliefs and memories are erased. The pure soul rejoins the sea of consciousness from which it was born. You’re like a tiny drop of water released by a heavy dark cloud floating above the middle of an ocean. After spending your life in the shadows of this material plane, it’s now time for you to be reunited with the collective.


5. Transmigration (or Metempsychosis)




Your soul is caught in the cycle of rebirth. Depending on the accumulated karma, each soul rises or falls from lower to higher life forms (and may even be reborn in objects). The cycle continues eternally until your soul attains the highest realization.


6. Awakening




Your soul arrives in the light. You experience awakening and see with complete clarity for the first time. You realize the truth of existence that was masked by being in a physical body. You enter Nirvana where Buddha and Kurt Cobain are chanting mantras to the tune of Smells Like Teen Spirit.


7. Dissolution: Eternity is nothingness




As the chemical components of your body return to basic atoms and molecules, the consciousness created by the brain disappears completely. You are no more. Nothing, nada, zilch, zip!


Find Out For Yourself!



Your soul is confused to the point of spiritual illness. You read and hear so many things, but you just can’t seem to decide on which one to put your faith upon. You wonder why so many people want to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Perhaps it would be better if you just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show or maybe find out for yourself if what they are saying is true.

Decades later, the little boy who thought he was going to have a party in hell with the devil, grew up to become a fairly decent man and can even be described, according to one of his friends, as a cosmic comedian - fighting to save humanity from eternal torture and damnation. Give my regards to Satan.